Old Hunters, Leather Witches
by The Broken Pokeman
Summary: It was supposed to be another job. Maybe this time, Dante would actually get paid. Get the sword from the church. Morrison was very clear about how much money the client was paying. But then that leather clad witch had to get involved. God she's creepy. (Dante x Bayonetta Ship Fic, Post DMC 5, Part 1 of a bigger gaming crossover,)


"Just remember, you don't get the artefact, you don't get paid, Dante." Morrison firmly reminded Dante down the speaker of the Cell Phone. A rather ordinary item in Dante's usually much more esoteric inventory.

Dante had a sword strapped to his back made from his very essence, Devil Arms forged from the broken will of demons, and custom made handguns that would not break in his demonically enhanced grip. And yet a small glowing rectangle was simply beyond the comprehension of the white haired demon hunter for hire.

"Oh arcane rectangle of technology and Fruit Ninja, give me your power." Dante sarcastically murmured into the phone. Not realising the thing was upside down

Morrison could hear Dante's annoyed breathing and fidgeting as he turned the phone over, befuddled by it. .He'd have laid his head in his hands if he didn't know Dante and his eccentricities as well as he did.

"Just speak into it like a normal phone, Dante." Morrison said with the patience of a long suffering friend.

"Ah, don't be like that Morrison. You know I like to keep things simple."

Such simplicity was represented in the state of Dante's office and business until recently. He still couldn't believe Lady and Trish had thrown out his old phone. In fact, after he got back from Hell (for the second god-damn time) with a reticent and begrudging Vergil in tow, he found they threw out a lot of what they called "Junk" whilst they'd been looking after his business. And now Dante had another debt from the both of them to pay for "modernising" his business. That reminded him, He'd left Vergil alone with the idea that he should spend quality time with Nero. Make up for lost time and all that.

"How's Nero doing with his old man?" Dante asked.

"Uh..." Morrison mumbled something under his breath. Dante could pick out several choice swear words that would've made even his younger self blush.

"Morrison, what did my darling nephew say to dearest brother of mine?"

"Look, Dante. You know me. We're both old. I don't get any of this new kids stuff. I don't rightly understand everything Nero said. Some of it weren't even swear words."

"Only some, look at that Morrison. The kid's maturing into a fine man. What'd he say?"

Morrison sighed.

"Okay, so Vergil comes up to Nero looking like he just got sent to the Principle's office. He suggested that he and Nero get to know each other over a sparing match. But then he runs his mouth saying something like 'If I was at my full power I would've beaten you and Dante.'"

"It's nice to see Vergil saying such nice, supportive things to his son." Dante commented sarcastically.

"Well, that got Nero all hot. Then he says, and I quote 'I don't want lessons from some 50 year old weeb who thinks slicked back hair and katanas didn't die with mid 2000's edgelords' I barely understood half that sentence, Dante."

"It's internet slang, Morrison. Nero likes that edgy website with the anime porn and weird politics." Dante pondered things in his head for a moment. "But I don't understand what any of those words meant either."

"Dante, we're wasting time with our mid-life crap. You got a job to do."

"Roger-roger, Leader. I'll report back with the object." Dante made a show of saluting. Which went entirely unnoticed in the no-visual medium of a phone conversation. Looked cool though.

Dante ended the call. He was standing outside a church. At least Dante thought it was a church. It was strange. Located in the middle of nowhere it popped out like a sore, black thumb. It's walls were made out of some kind of blackened brick. The whole thing looked Gothic and Victorian by Dante's uneducated estimation. Yet Morrison's carbon dating intel put the church at thousands of years old. Even then, it was pristine. Time hadn't touched the church for thousands of years as it lay. Undisturbed by anything.

The stained glass windows were coloured blood red. Giving the church an ominous glow as sunlight reflected off of it. The inside was probably full of all kinds of doom and gloom scripture. Dante thought to himself. When he was young, his father - bemused by the state of modern religion, told Dante that the reason churches like that were full of such imagery was that back in "his day" (which was rather unspecific due to Sparda's thousands of years of life) there were many vaults located in isolated places all over the world. They usually contained hidden relics securely locked away that you wouldn't want just anyone having. It made sense to promise fiery punishment using simple pictures. It would ward off potential idiots from things that could actually deliver fiery punishment to the foolish. Of course, many botherers and priests never got that message. Instead adapting the fire and gloom as stories that evolved into myth, legends and then religion. Then Sparda would regale Dante and Vergil with a rather fantastical story. Sometimes the vaults were guarded by Angels or Witches. And they liked to fight each other over what Sparda called "Trivial theological matters and spouse woes." .

, Witches he could believe existing. But despite beating the ever loving shit out of several thousand varieties of Demons. No angels had ever come down from on high to help out. Especially after Red Grave. If they even existed. Seemed like the right time for Godly intervention had come and gone several times.

Dante shook his head. Sometimes his Dad's stories were really stupid. He heaved open the main gate to the church. Peering in, he could see it was dark inside but there was at least some light from the sun coming through those blood red windows.

As he walked in he could feel the air. It wasn't as still as it should be. The dry, ancient air of the Church had been disturbed by people. Or demons. Dante could hear footsteps. He sighed, amateur hour must've started early today. Demons were supposed to make a dramatic entrance He opened his mouth. Hoping a quip might demoralise whoever was in here with him. His speech was interrupted by the click of a gun to his head.

"Darling, you really shouldn't've come to this place." A rather posh, feminine sounding voice spoke behind Dante.

"So welcoming. I feel right at home, stranger. Who're you when you're at home"

Dante turned around. The cold metal of a stylish, fashionable pistol now pressed into his forehead. Dante looked at the woman before him. Dressed in some body hugging fabric that Dante observed might've been leather were it not for all the tiny fur like strands that made up the costume. He'd seen weirder.

"Hmph" the woman snorted. " I'm protecting something naughty little boys shouldn't have. You can call me Bayonetta. It'll be the last name that passes through your lips, demon."

"A Demon? That hurts, pretty lady. Not every day you meet a dominatrix part timing as a librarian." Dante smirked cheekily.

"Not every day you meet a thief who thinks they're man enough to satisfy the likes of me. The sword is too powerful for you."

That was great, Dante thought. The artefact had a kinky bitch guarding it. This mission had been in danger of getting boring otherwise. Bayonetta's gaze never left Dante. She was looking him up and down. Trying to ascertain who he was.

"I'm a thief too? We're on pet names already?" Dante asked rhetorically. Bayonetta's face curled into a snarl but Dante continued. "The lovely ladies next door to my shop usually charge extra for that. What are your rates any-"

Dante's ongoing quip was interrupted by a thick strand of the leather like substance whacking him in the face. Sending him flying. He crashed into a nearby pillar. This was the second time in a while that someone had gotten a good shot at Dante's face. It was starting to aggravate him. He had a reputation to keep. As he peeled himself off the ground the woman spoke again.

"You've a vulgar mouth, you little cretin. Someone aught to teach you good manners." Bayonetta's face darkened. Dante could tell this woman was serious about her job. Good thing Dante was too. Some of the time. Maybe it was time for Dante to get serious too. He'd had enough of weird dominatrices

"Look hun, I know these two ladies who'd agree with you. Here, let me introduce you."

Dante pushed himself off the ground, stylishly twirling in the air in a fashion that would make lifelong ballerinas jealous. He unholstered his two best girlfriends, Ebony and Ivory. Aimed at the woman and fired. Faster then any man could possibly keep up with. But Bayonetta dodged them. Backfliping and swatting some away with stray strands of fabric that was really starting to remind Dante of hair. Dante landed on the chandelier dangling from the ceiling. It creaked and jingled under his weight.

"Is that stuff coming out of you?" Dante asked incredulously.

"Lots of things come out of me, dearie." Bayonetta grinned like a shark who'd found prey. Dante only had a moment to reflect on the innuendo before she lunged at him from the ground towards the chandelier. Twisting strands of what could only be hair around and around herself until she drilled into where Dante was. Just in time he leapt to the nearby upper platform of the church, the hair-drill thing narrowly missing him

"Ew, why'd you have to spoil the mood like that, sister?" Dante summoned his Devil Sword. Bending his knees into a stance that would aid in the stylish stupidity he was about to unleash.

"I only spoil those who can satisfy me." Bayonetta licked her lips. Lunging at Dante yet again.

" You were only a 'hair-breath' away from seriously hurting me. Gotta count for something." Dante quipped with a dad joke that betrayed his age in the seconds before the woman could reach him. Using his demonic reflexes, Dante grabbed Bayonetta by her hair. Using the momentum from her lunge to throw her in the air. In the seconds it took her to recover in mid air Dante had fished a rose out from one of his terribly grimy pockets. He hopped this new invention of Nico's would work.

"Usually I save these for Valentines Day but a dusty old hag like you looks like you need some romance." Dante threw the rose with a flourish. It impacted Bayonetta and exploded. Propelling her to the floor. Where she landed with a crash.

Dante leaped down, sword raised to swing into Bayonetta. But as the sword swung to meet it's target it was blocked in the wedged space of a high heel attached to Bayonetta's leg. Only the heel was a pistol. Dante tried to push his blade downward but the pistol fired. Dante swatted it away with his sword but that left him open. Using her other foot Bayonetta kicked Dante square in the chest. The force of the kick made Dante lose his balance. He was pushed deeper into the church. Near the plinth on the stage at the very back of the church. In mid air Dante twisted and landed on his feet. Sticking his sword in the ground to stop his momentum.

"Hey, you're pretty good." Dante said to the woman.

"Hmm, I can't say the same about you." Bayonetta tutted "Don't worry, there's not a person alive who can give me a satisfying finish."

She turned her back to Dante and walked away. Gun heels clicking on the stone floor. Dante could see that on the plinth was resting a large marbled case. Probably containing what he was paid to get. He was starting to get really ticked off at this bitch. It was time to end things.

"Meh." Dante replied. Looking inside himself for power. "Maybe it's time for the rough stuff."

Bayonetta turned back to Dante, irritably gazing at him. But couldn't do much more as a bright red light smashed her into a wall. As her vision cleared she could see she was being gripped by a very angry demon. Dante held her in his full Devil form.

"How'd you like me now, 'darling'." Dante emphasised the darling mockingly.

"Mmm, how forceful. Rough stuff it is, my dear." Bayonetta licked her lips before a giant high heeled foot crashed through the roof of the church. Dante looked up. Seeing a giant female demon with humanoid and butterfly like features. Dante could swear she looked familiar. With Dante distracted, Bayonetta pushed him towards the demon and began firing at him with her pistols. He deflected her bullets with his sword. Bayonetta tried to charge Dante with her swords but using his Devil Trigger enhanced strength he punched Bayonetta away. He raised his sword, but as he was preparing to layeth the smackdown on the giant demon, everything clicked in Dante's head.

"Auntie Mada, is that you? You've packed on a bit."

The giant demon squinted, looking at the insect who just insulted her weight.

"Who dares?"Madama Butterfly, sister of Sparda and auntie of Dante the Demon Hunter asked.

Dante turned off his Devil Trigger.

" Oh it's young Dante. My, you've grown since my brother first showed me to you."

Bayonetta could only gawp. Her mouth open in surprise. It was very unbecoming of her. How was this white haired little shit related to Madama Butterfly?

"I haven't seen you since you were a little fleshy bean in Sparda's arms." Madama pinched two fingers together for emphasis. "You remember how awkward he was with you and Vergil as babes, Dante?"

"Nah, I'm getting old, auntie. I'm not hip like I used to be. Probably going senile in my old age." Dante tried not to think about his stiff bones and creaky joints. The joys of human aging. "Speaking of Sparda, you ever hear what happened to him? He kinda just ditched me and Vergil like dirty shirts when we were young."

"Oh, you know how he was. Grumpy little shit never told me anything. I was always reminding him to smile in the old days. It was that smile that won over the human woman he fancied."

Dante remembered his mother's smile most of all. All the happy smiles, and that last sad smile. His Father almost never smiled.

"Dad smiled? I could never picture it. Even with Mom he was bitching about something."

Madama chuckled.

"You may have grown in body, young one but you're still a cheeky little bean in my eyes. Why I rem-"

Madama was cut off by a large cough.

"So I'm guessing you're not going to squish this one?" Bayonetta asked Madama.

"No, sweetie. I don't stomp on family. Unlike some people." Madama gave a cheeky smile in Bayonetta's direction before vanishing amidst her growing protests.

"The lady walked out on you, I can relate." Dante said in the distance.

Bayonetta looked for Dante. He wasn't where he was just a second before. She finally spotted him. He was just about to reach the plinth. If the white haired idiot found a way to break the seal it would unleash a millennia old revenant. How did that fool not know that? Bayonetta was only here as a favour for a friend. She didn't need this bastard to be so awkward. With a grunt of frustration Bayonetta leaped towards Dante, her blades out and ready to pierce flesh.

Meanwhile, Dante was figuring out how to break the seal on the case containing the artefact. For once there were no clues. No tablet or plaque with a cryptic riddle or anything like that. The case sat on it's plinth, undisturbed. Dante was just about to reach out and touch it when he felt a sharp pain in his ribs. An all too familiar feeling.

Bayonetta's blades had landed perfectly in Dante's heart. Any normal human would've died as her blades shredded through their chest. But of course, Dante had to be awkward and just not die. Not that it mattered in the end. You see, Bayonetta didn't know that directly in front of the plinth was a small groove barely an inch thick that led to a stone basin with a hole in it. Both she and Dante didn't know that back in the old unspecific days that Sparda talked about, seals for particularly nasty demons were sealed with the blood of powerful champions. Neither did Dante or Bayonetta know that in those olden days, Sparda had sealed in that case on that plinth, a sword possessed by a revenant with a tragic tale. Gone mad from millennia of changed timelines and rewritten destinies. Too powerful to be put down, the sword and the revenant inside it were sealed in a humble box. Wards of repelling were put on the exterior of the church to discourage explorers. The church was designed as a time capsule of a time long forgotten and technically a time that never actually happened. Occasionally guarded by witches throughout the millennia.

Bayonetta had stabbed Dante straight through the chest. His blood was the blood of Sparda. He had been stabbed right on top of the basin where Sparda would one day donate blood to lift the seal of the insane, ravenous being inside a humble box. Once they could be sure it had calmed down.

"I knew a crusty old cretin couldn't satisfy me." Bayonetta tutted. Unaware that the demon hunter lying prone on the ground was just waiting for the right moment to strike.

"I'll attend to matters myself after this. You softened so quickly." Bayonetta shook her head and turned on her heels. Now was Dante's chance to cunt punt this bitch.

"Stop making everything so god-damn sexual!" Dante screamed. Pushing himself up off the floor. Dante used his momentum and angled himself into a tackle. Landing right on top of Bayonetta . He began laying into her. First with punches, they were blocked. Bayonetta managed to lay a good slap on Dante's face. Which made Dante even more angry. For all Dante and Bayonetta's skill and dexterity, for all the crazy acrobatics they'd done. Their fight had descended into a childish exchange of slaps. During this exchange of petulance the blood that trickled from Dante's wound trickled down from the basin. Through the grove and into a receptacle. Breaking the seal. The box shot open. The blade zoomed out of the box like a kid given too much soda.

Dante and Bayonetta were broken out of their slap fight by a great scream coming from the blade. The being inside had slept for thousands of years in blissful oblivion and now it was awake, it was aware, and it remembered. The being clawed mindlessly at it's cage inside the blade. It was a strange looking thing. Kinda bad ass actually. Dante thought. It's blade was similar to a Kris. It was wavy and yet elongated to the length of a bastard sword. The Crossguard was a skull with fangs and batwings at the sides. So unoriginal but still cool looking. And it led to a modest hilt designed to be gripped in two hands. It was wrapped in brown cloth faded with age. The blade moved on it's own. Jerking left, right. And then smashing itself on the ground with a loud clang. It smashed itself on the ground again. Repeating it several times.

"Don't just stand there. Fix your mess!" Dante heard Bayonetta shout towards him.

Not even thinking, Dante rushed to the sword and grabbed it by the handle. The sword stopped moving. The air was silent and Dante could feel a pregnant pause in the atmosphere.

"Mess fixed, your dominating highness." Dante bowed exaggeratedly. Now that there was a lull in the action maybe he could get this Sarah Palin look alike to explain what he'd just done. Bayonetta was about to speak when Dante felt a violent pull from his palm. He could feel something from the sword. Something ravenous. Dante tried to let go of the sword but it clung to his hand. It had tasted something it wanted. Dante could feel a stronger pull. Not just from his palm but from his very soul. He could feel it draining away. Being sucked into the blade. It hungered for his soul. Dante had moments before the thing devoured him. With a flash Dante smashed the sword into the ground. The ground cracked but the sword was still intact.

"Don't destroy it, you'll unleash the creature inside!" Dante could hear the leather clad being shout in the distance. But it was getting so hard to think. Dante was becoming weaker and weaker.

Dante gritted his teeth and with an all-mighty push of the last remains of his will he swung the sword. It crashed down on the ground. It shook the ground as it impacted, then exploded into blue light. The air was filled with a mighty roar from the insane thing trapped in the blade. It shot out of the destroyed sword and sped away. Away from the church and to places unknown. Dante held the shattered hilt in his hand.

"Silly boy, proud of your stupidity are you?" Bayonetta sneered at Dante.

"That thing was going to kill me. I'm not a dog you can just whip into service you hairy bitch"

Before Dante could react, Bayonetta was nearly nose to nose with Dante. He could feel her breath on his upper lip. It made his face tingle in weird ways Dante didn't want to think about.

"Hmm, maybe I should get you a collar and leash. You've the attitude of a small boy. It needs correcting so we can fix your mess. " Bayonetta's hand tried to caress Dante's face but he slapped it away. Even so he could feel the static from her hand.

"Okay, lady the double entendres were cute but we're both grown adults. I know I've messed up. But you didn't help matters being all..." Dante struggled to find words to describe this frustrating woman wrapped in hair and leather. "All dominatrixey." Dante finished.

He could imagine hearing an exasperated sigh from Nero, or seeing a withering look from Vergil. The apple didn't fall far from the tree when it came to those two. He could see the leather clad witch preparing to fire off another verbal barrage. But then she sighed, pinched the bridge of her nose, and then she chuckled. It was almost a laugh. But Bayonetta didn't ever allow herself to laugh.

"Fine." Bayonetta said nonchalantly.

"Uh, what?" Dante was floored. He didn't expect this.

"I will concede that I did not explain myself in a satisfactory manner. But I was guarding this artefact as a favour for a friend who was coming to collect it."

This was very curious.

"Hmm, important friend? Friend with a lot of money?"

"In a manner of speaking. I'm not going to just tell you. Maybe if you beg, dearie."

Dante couldn't believe the nerve of this woman.

"Okay, lady. I ain't doing that. I'm going to go talk to my contact. I suspect your guy played you and me like fiddles." Dante fished around for the phone of mysteries. One day he'd figure out how to use it properly. Maybe it was time to harass Nero about it.

"Hmm, if you insist. Usually I'm the one who can play the fiddle. I'm excellent at making people sing." Dante looked at Bayonetta's mirthful smile and shook his head.

"Okay, why don't you start the weird S&M party here and I'll go clean up my mess. Hopefully away from you."

Dante turned on his heel and walked to the door. But he could sense something thin and sharp headed towards him. He caught it before it could hit him. Was it a knife? A sharp projectile? Some weird hairy thing that the witch shot out of herself? No, it was a card with a string of digits. Dante looked at it, puzzled.

"Aren't you used to a strong woman giving you their phone number?"

"Oh, fair enough. Makes sense if we want to work together. I guess I'll call you if I hear anything." Dante turned away again. Wanting to get as far away from this woman as possible.

"I didn't just give you that for business, sweetie." Bayonetta's sharp look pierced Dante more effectively then any of the attacks she threw at Dante before.

"Oh..." Dante replied. Before turning on his heel and running out the door as fast as he could.

"Hm, Maybe I'll get that boy a collar and leash after all. I'd love to train him." Bayonetta said to no one in particular.

And with that, she too left the church. This was going to be the start of a beautiful, leather bound and delightfully sinful relationship. After all it wasn't every day you met a handsome man who could keep up with you. But all that talk could come later. There was a ravenous soul eater to find. Dante and Bayonetta would have to work together. Poor old Dante would just have to find a way to cope. Or to submit.


End file.
